Eilidh's Story - a life lesson in trusting my gut
Life doesn't always deliver lessons and the lectures you need to learn in neat little packages. For me, one of the hardest lessons to learn was how to trust my gut, and worse, the consequences of ignoring the warning signs my body was trying to give me.
This is Eilidh's story that I want to share with you today.
The warning signs began in my late 20s, and ultimately led to a diagnosis of a rare autoimmune condition, Dermatomyositis. This is a painful condition which affects the skin and the muscles, and it took a long time to diagnose. I was working a stressful job in investment management in Edinburgh, and I was exhausted. I had not been taking time for myself and was relying on typical convenience food. After 6 months, I noticed I had gained weight and was looking quite puffy, and my body hurt, even though I hardly exercised. It was really difficult to get out of bed in the morning despite a good night's sleep. My skin became really itchy and flaky. I had painful, bleeding cracks on my feet and fingertips. Walking up stairs was hard. I needed to use both hands to lift up a cup of tea. I felt like an 80 year old lady in a 28 year old body. After going from specialist to specialist with no definitive results, I was desperate for answers.
I remember flying out to California to talk to a specialist, and he gave me the autoimmune diagnosis. He also told me I would be dependent on steroids to manage the condition for the rest of my life, and at such a high dose, it meant I'd be highly unlikely to be able to get pregnant.
Leaving his office despondent, I made a pledge to myself that I would find a way to heal. I had researched that only 5% of cases will have complete cure or remission of the disease and I was determined to be part of the 5%. While I didn't want to, I started the course of recommended treatment anyway. I didn't know it at the time, but this would be the first of many times that I would ignore what my body was trying to tell me.
But several years later, I decided to stop the treatment - I wanted to start a family with my partner. I knew it would be difficult, but I did not want to go down the IVF path. Instead, I tried acupuncture to support my system, and to my surprise and delight, it worked. The relaxation element must have helped, because immediately after starting the treatment, I fell pregnant.
Everything went smoothly until I reached week 23. At this point, I began to suffer heavy bleeding and a great deal of pain. The medical staff at my local hospital suspected Braxton Hicks and, unconcerned, sent me home. The pain continued, but each time I voiced my concerns with my doctors, they told me to relax - it was nothing to worry about. Even when I lost quite a lot of blood, back in hospital, the team checked the baby's heartbeat and found nothing wrong.
But something was wrong.
While the doctors and nurses told me to take paracetamol for the pain and sugary tea to calm my worried nerves, something was amiss. A few days later, on Valentine's Day 2010, my partner tried to treat me to a romantic breakfast in bed, but instead, I made my way to the bathroom, and to my horror, began to deliver. At 24 weeks, this was so far from normal: my partner called the emergency services. Sadly, by the time the paramedics arrived, I had lost my baby. Lying on the bathroom floor, all I could think was that I had trusted the experts and let their advice override what my body was telling me, and the consequences were that my baby didn't survive.
What followed next was so utterly traumatic, and my heart breaks thinking about it and the women who suffer this awful experience. Taken to hospital, I still needed to deliver my baby. The medical team were wonderful and supportive, but it did not change the facts. As I was past the 24 week cut off point, this was categorised as a stillbirth, meaning I was legally required to register the birth and obtain a death certificate, which also meant we needed to name her. To this day, this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. It was something no parent ever wants to prepare for. But we had to go through it.
We called her Eilidh.
We arranged a quiet funeral just for us. We said goodbye to her tiny body. We grieved.
Afterwards, I took 8 weeks off work, even though I was eligible for an entire maternity leave. We got married - we needed a happy event to take our mind off our situation. And I used this time to re-evaluate my life choices.
I acknowledged the impact that work-related stress was having on me. I got back into regular yoga classes again, and practiced mindfulness and deep breathing exercises. I improved my diet and made a conscious decision to eat fresh, homemade and whole food. It wasn't until years later when I studied Nutritional Therapy that I made the connection between stress and its effects on the body, and the way that the sympathetic (fight or flight) and parasympathetic (rest and heal/digest) nervous systems interact. But this is what I was subconsciously doing.
Committed to looking after my mind and body better, I went on to have two healthy pregnancies. Both my births were exactly how I wanted them to be.
And interested in holistic health, I went on to complete my training in Nutritional Therapy with the College of Naturopathic Medicine in Edinburgh. With every day that passes and every woman I talk to, I am even more committed to help women with autoimmune conditions to regain control of their own health. So much of living with an autoimmune condition involves fear and feelings of helplessness regarding how the condition will impact daily life. This is something I have first hand experience of, but I also know it doesn't have to be this way.
After Eilidh’s death I swore to myself that I will trust my gut and listen to my body, and this was a valuable, if painful, lesson to learn. Eilidh's memory lives on, and so does her legacy. I carry the reminder to listen to my body's wisdom every day, and this is what I feel honoured to share in my work as a nutritional therapist. I appreciate that recovery is not a sprint but a long-term commitment, and this is what I help women with. I am here to guide and support women through their journey at their own pace, with compassion, to help them reconnect to their confidence and vitality, and equip and empower them with the tools to enjoy life to its fullest potential again - no matter what they are going through or have experienced so far.
Thank you for taking the time to read Eilidh's story.
If you, or someone you know, has been affected by issues raised in this post, the following organisations may be able to help:
SANDS
Sands works to support anyone affected by the death of a baby; improve the care bereaved parents receive; and create a world where fewer babies die.
The International Stillbirth Alliance
https://www.stillbirthalliance.org/
The International Stillbirth Alliance (ISA) is a membership organization uniting bereaved parents and other family members, health professionals and researchers to drive global change for the prevention of stillbirth and neonatal death and bereavement support for all those affected.
If you would like to get in touch with me regarding nutritional therapy and immune system support, you can book in a consultation here: FREE Discovery Call